This ACTUALLY happened this week.
Office phone rings. I answer.
JOB APPLICANT: Um..hi...I called the other day...but they said I had to talk to someone else...cuz...uh...she wasn't there...um...cuz I need to reschedule...uh...what happened was...uh....cuz I couldn't make it to the interview the other day so I need a new one.
ME: Oh you missed the group interview? Yes, you set that up with me, Andrea. Your name?
APPLICANT: (name is withheld to protect the clueless) So when can I have the new interview?
ME: I see that we set up a time but you didn't show up. Or call.
A: Yeah, but I
couldn't call. There was a...um, a family thing.
ME: The interview was
last Friday. (people, this call was on the following THURSDAY)
A: Yeah, well, I didn't know if I could call you on the weekend...and
whatever I called Monday night but you were like gone already or something. So when can I come in?
ME: I'm sorry but you failed to show up for our appointment without any notice. I'm really looking for candidates that are reliable and have great communication skills.
A: Yeah...*annoyed grunt* but...I had like a FAMILY EMERGENCY so I
couldn't come. And I KNOW
my friend is coming to the interview you have
tomorrow. (oh yippy)
ME: Since you did not come to your scheduled interview nor did you call to say you could not make it, I really don't see it working out. But thanks for applying.
A: *exasperated sigh* Yeaaahhhh, but I said already that I could come
toMORROW.
ME: Thanks, but no.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!?!?!?
No. No, I'm not. Sadly, I encounter this kind of stuff far too often. I do a lot of hiring. A LOT. Thousands of potential employees have crossed my path. Sadly, only dozens have been GREAT. Sadder still, thousands more have been AWFUL. I mean
really awful, people. Make you shake yo' head in shame and despair kind of horrible. Beloved interwebs, I ask you, where has all the common sense gone?? The pride? The grammar, spelling, basic grasp of the English language? Manners? Tact? Plain ol' smarts??
Out of sheer frustration (yes, it's hiring season and I'm being inundated with beyond infuriating redunkulousness. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!), may I present...DRUMROLL PLEASE...
Lady B's Top 10 List of Completely Obvious, But All Based on True Stories, Job Hunting Shiz You Should Really Know By Now
1.If you can't make an interview, CALL AHEAD. Better yet, just make the interview.
2. Do not ever, EVER, list your "mommy," "BFF," or "roommate and one helluva guy" as references.
3. Learn to capitalize. Correctly. If I see one more "i" instead of "I",
I may go postal. And what's up with this new trend of randomly capitalizing words that shouldn't be? "i'd like to apply for the Job." *shudder* "i'm very Detail-Orientated." *blacks out phone number on application to stop myself from calling and screaming at applicant* Unsure of proper grammar and punctuation etiquette? Go take a refresher course. Seriously.
4. LOL, :-) , ur, TTYL.
STOP IT. Stop it right now.
5. Applying for a bunch of jobs at once? That's fine. But please, for the love of all that is good, tailor your cover letters and objectives to each individual submission. I work with kids. The cover letter that read, "My extensive background in the gay adult entertainment industry makes me the perfect candidate for this position"?
Not appropriate. Yeah, that guy probably should have been more "Detail-Orientated."
6. And speaking of cover letters? WRITE THEM! Every time! When I receive nothing but a resume, I get no real feel for the person. Sure, I can clearly see job history but that tells me about 5% of what I need to know. It also takes about zero effort to hit FWD on that generic resume email you're blasting around town. Show me why you're applying for THIS job. Show me you give a crap.
Write a cover letter.
7. Discretion is your friend. I don't need to know EV-ER-Y-THING. You've been job hunting for a year and no one will hire you? Probably shouldn't tell me that. You're a topless housekeeper on the side? Not my business. When asked about your hobbies, prospective employers actually DON'T want to hear that you "toke mad bong hits", "dabble in past life regression," or "love drinkin' and shootin'." And I never thought I'd need to say this, but one should never share that they "just went through a nasty breakup so I packed up and moved here two weeks ago." Discretion. Use it.
8. Don't include a link to your Facebook page unless it's a gajillion percent professional. In fact, don't let your social networking persona ever exemplify anything you wouldn't want your Nona to see. But that's a whole other I-could-go-on-for-days kinda blog entry. But in the meantime, go.
Fix that ish right now.
9. When completing an online application, actually COMPLETE it. The number of blank applications I receive with just a resume attached is maddening. Those questions on that application page you just tabbed through? Yeah, we ask you those questions FOR A REASON. Leave those blank and you'll know exactly why your phone isn't ringing.
10. Dress the part! Proper interview attire should never include strapless dresses, flip flops, dirty overalls (or any overalls for that matter. Unless it's a mechanic gig, I guess.), a Cottonmouth Kings t-shirt, or a Juicy Couture bag holding your teacup chihuahua. Oh, and if you need to call to ask the prospective employer what the dress code is for your interview? Yeah, don't make that call.
Job hunt wisely, folks! Contrary to popular media hype, there ARE quality jobs to be had out there. We just need quality candidates to come and get 'em!
